Because I grew up with an extremely abusive father, I thought all anger was destructive. I had to recognize it as one of the stages of grief and learn to deal with my anger in a proper and timely fashion.
For me, talking to a counselor helped me express my aggravations constructively. In one appointment I shared that although I expected to feel deep sadness over the loss of my health, job, and marriage, I didn’t expect to feel seething rage.
I revealed that during the first couple of years after my cancer treatments and divorce, any seemingly insignificant event that I couldn’t control had the potential to trigger fury. To my dismay, my son, Kyle, was often the recipient of my unleashed rage.
I remember exploding one day while instructing Kyle on how to wash my car properly. “Overlap your strokes as you wash,” I said as I showed him the procedure. “Like this.”
As an eleven-year-old, he’d washed my car numerous times before and wiped here and there leaving untouched grime that annoyed me. “Please keep your strokes close together,” I calmly repeated, although I was starting to simmer.
He ignored me once more and swiped his sponge carelessly. Exasperated, I yelled, “Kyle, look what you’re doing!” Boiling with rage, I picked up the bucket of dirty water and dumped it on him.
Dripping wet, Kyle looked at me and hollered, “Mom! This is ridiculous!”
He was right. I apologized and stomped off before I gave myself more to regret.
The Stages of Grief Include Anger. Here’s How to Get Through It.
My counselor, Lindy, reminded me that anger is as much a part of grief as sadness and depression. While it is one of the normal, natural stages of grief, giving full vent to our anger only makes things worse.
Rather than expressing anger in ways we’ll regret, we can deal with it appropriately. Besides physical and verbal expressions of anger, improper expressions can include sarcasm or critical remarks, giving someone the silent treatment, or withholding affection, time, or attention. Here are a few suggestions for releasing anger in healthy ways:
Do something physical.
I often vent my anger in the garden. One morning after battling the insurance company over the bill for my transplant, I headed for my backyard. The weeds became insurance agents. “You don’t care about people!” I yelled and yanked out a skunk cabbage. “You only care about money!” I uprooted a dandelion. “When people need insurance, you don’t pay!” I dug at the roots of a thistle. “You only want to take care of healthy people.”
The physical exertion helped me vent my fury. But it didn’t happen overnight. Like weeds that have a persistent way of reappearing, so did my anger. I had to continue processing it.
Any activity that expends physical energy such as cleaning the house, kneading dough, pounding nails, or digging in the dirt can help us dispel our wrath.
Pray, reflect, and meditate.
When we turn to God, He will give us eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to perceive His perspective about the things that upset us. The psalms provide numerous examples of asking heartfelt and honest questions.
Consider Psalm 10:1 (NIV). “Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?”
Or Psalm 22:1 (ESV). “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?”
Hannah, in 1 Samuel 1:10 “was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly” (ESV).
When we release our anger to God, we lay it at His feet. He already knows exactly what is in our heart. When we express it to him honestly, we can begin to feel and understand the depth of His fatherly love. We can fall into His arms and weep knowing He will meet us in each of the stages of grief and help us each step of the way.
Share your feelings.
As I mentioned, it was helpful for me to talk to a counselor. Later, I processed a lot of my feelings with a coach. Sharing with a trusted friend or a good listening ear can help us process our anger constructively.
Remember, it is not wrong to feel angry. Many times, it feels unhealthy and downright awful. But rather than being afraid when anger grips us, we ought to tremble at the thought of what will happen if we lash out rather than face our fury. We need to find healthy and constructive outlets for our anger and be careful where they’re dumped.
Warmly,
Georgia
P.S. Today’s content was adapted from A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss. If you’d like to read more, you can purchase your copy of the book here.
Or if you prefer to work with a coach during your time of loss, you can find out more information at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com/coaching/
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
Ephesians 4:26-27 (ESV)
