The difference between shame and guilt can be subtle, but identifying them helps strengthen our relationships.
There are two feelings that are especially hazardous to our emotional and spiritual health. Since none of us are immune to them, it’s important that we discern the difference between shame and guilt and discover how to handle them in healthy ways.
We commonly hide shame and guilt in the back corner of our emotional closets. We try not to let them surface—but we’re always aware of them lurking in the darkness. They stem from our fear of losing the respect and approval of others.
Guilt is the remorse we experience after doing something wrong or feeling as if we have done something wrong. Shame, however, goes much deeper and is an overwhelming sense of condemnation about who we are as a person.
Shame and guilt can both be authentic or false. When authentic, they often stem from doing (or failing to do) something that doesn’t meet the standards we’ve set for ourselves, the expectations of others, or the principles established by God.
False shame and guilt, on the other hand, may result from what was done to us. Sometimes the authentic and false versions of shame and guilt overlap. Let me share an example:
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
During a spiritual retreat, a friend and I stayed with a third friend at her lovely home. One night as I was snuggled in bed, I decided to touch up my nail polish and accidentally spilled a bit of polish on the floral bedspread. While the polish, a deep fuchsia, did match some of the colors in the bedspread, the stain was obvious.
I panicked, quickly trying to blot the polish out, but it was still there. While I felt legitimate shame and guilt for being so careless, I also was hounded by the voices of false shame and guilt from the past: You are bad, and this shows it. Your friend was nice enough to share her home with you, and now you’ve ruined her lovely bedspread. You don’t deserve to have friends. You don’t deserve to live.
Knowing sleep was out of the question, I tiptoed to the room of my friend, Linda and shared what had happened. She got up and tried to remove the polish but had no luck. She could see I was badly shaken and almost physically sick about the mishap. “Georgia, it was an accident. Betty will understand. I can see you’re really upset. Do you want to talk about this?” Linda asked.
For the next hour and a half, Linda listened, talked, and prayed with me. We exposed the old “I’m a bad person” lie I’d been telling myself. We talked about what was true: I make mistakes, but God loves me unconditionally just as I am. He can and will redeem even my worst blunders. I have dear friends who like me, regardless of my brokenness and anxiety. That night Linda and I read several Scriptures, including 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on [God] because he cares for you.”
Exposing False Guilt and Shame
As we worked on exposing false guilt and shame, I wrote down the lies I’d been believing: “I’m bad.” “I’m a disappointment to God.” “I don’t deserve to be treated with respect after what I did.” “I deserve to die.” Then I crossed them all out with a big X and wrote over them “L-I-E.”
Next, I wrote what was true: “I make mistakes but take responsibility for the messes I create” and “God cares for me even when I do stupid things.”
Uncovering my false shame made all the difference in giving me peace of mind and the ability to sleep that night. The next morning Linda and I prayed again as I mustered up the courage to tell Betty what I’d done. She wasn’t upset at all, which underscored the healing power of confessing our junk. At that moment I was truly free of emotional pain from that incident and what it brought up from the past.
That story is an example of how shame works. If it had been my own bedspread, I might have become angry at myself for being careless, but I wouldn’t have felt shame. Shame often arises when we fear someone is disapproving or judging us as stupid, foolish, unworthy, unlovable, or bad. I feared Betty’s judgment. Once I shared with Linda and felt her grace (not judgment!), I had the courage to confess to Betty and found a deeper level of freedom than I could have imagined.
Scripture Can Help Overcome Fear and Guilt
If you are battling the fear of disapproval or struggling with feelings of false shame and guilt, revisit Scriptures that reveal the unconditional love of Jesus. Knowing He is for you and sees you as holy and blameless will help dispel any lies you are believing about yourself and help you deal with shame and guilt in a successful and healthy way.
“he has now in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,”
Please know I’m praying that you identify the lies that keep you trapped in shame and false guilt.
Warmly,
Georgia
