We often compare ourselves to others, then despair of not measuring up. Here are 3 tips to help avoid the compare and despair trap…
When I was fourteen years old, a guy I liked often commented on how wide my hips were compared to my small waist. He was right. Compared to my waist, my hips were larger, but they were not huge. And because he frequently referred to my big hips, I learned to dislike this part of my body. I envied women with small hips for more than forty years, even though I could do nothing to change my bone structure.
Last winter, at a women’s retreat, I attended a session on fashion tips and body styles. The presenter talked about the “X” or “hourglass” shape, which has shoulders and hips relatively the same size with a defined waist. That was me! No one had ever suggested I compare the size of my hips to my shoulders. That day my perspective totally changed from a distorted body image and dislike for my hips to acceptance of my hourglass figure.
Maybe, like me, you too have accepted the opinion of another person about your body and embraced a distorted perception. You can find plenty of people who are more beautiful than your view of yourself, which leaves you feeling “less than” and despairing of ever liking how you look.
If this situation sounds familiar, here are three ways to avoid getting caught in that “compare- and-despair” trap:
1) Don’t blindly accept someone’s lies or perceptions of you.
Maybe as a little child you were referred to as the “plain one” compared to your “fair-haired” sister. Unknowingly you can carry around this old lie which you have accepted as true. You don’t realize it’s someone else’s perception of you.
No matter how important that person is to you, don’t give them that power. Even if you feel something is true, that does not mean it is true. It’s important to have some close, caring, truth- telling friends you can ask for help when those feelings threaten to overwhelm you. Get objective truth on the situation first!
2) Realize your comparisons may not be based in reality.
Turns out, most of us rarely compare ourselves to the average person. In one of his books, Social Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman discusses the research of psychologist Catherine Sanderson. She discovered how “college-age women tend to focus on the most attractive or the thinnest women around,” instead of comparing themselves to the average woman. Then, those making the comparisons mistakenly believe the thin, beautiful (and often photoshopped or airbrushed) women are the norm.
Or maybe you compare yourself to the heaviest, least-attractive person. Before you get caught in this compare-and-despair trap, consider to whom you’re about to compare yourself. Would you say this person is in the average range or at one extreme or the other? Is the image you see real or simply the image someone wants you to see?
3) Don’t make assumptions of how another person views herself or himself.
I imagine more than one of you read the story at the beginning of this email and thought, “Georgia, you’ve got to be kidding. I only wish I had that body style!”
However, because you value having a certain body type doesn’t mean someone who has that feature values it the same way. For decades I never even remotely saw myself as having a desirable body shape. Don’t compare your thoughts about yourself and decide what someone else is thinking about themselves. None of us are mind-readers!
It’s easy to fall into these compare-and-despair traps.
Now that you know better, you can do better. The next time you find yourself caught in these snares, remind yourself of two things:
– Appreciate the assets you do have.
Often, we can reframe things about ourselves that initially feel like negatives. My friend Gayle always wanted long, lean legs, but in her words, she has “short, stubby legs. “But,” she said, “one benefit of this is in group photos I always get to stand in the front row. I’ve wondered if some people in the back row feel invisible.” As the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. Learn to look for and appreciate these positive perspectives and assets!
– Grieve the body you wish you had.
It’s okay to grieve for how you wish things were. Be angry and/or sad about how God created you. But, eventually, you need to reach the place of accepting what is. When you find yourself focusing on your shortcomings, replace that thought with a verse like “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made,” from Psalm 139:14. Or strive to be like the Apostle Paul who wrote in 1Corinthians 4:2-4 (MSG),
“It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don’t even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless.”
Let’s all remember that comparisons are indeed pointless!
I’m praying for you as you work through your own compare-and-despair moments this week.
And don’t forget – you never have to do this kind of self-work alone! Feel free to schedule a complimentary discovery call with me to see if 1-on-1 coaching is a good fit for you.
Warmly,
Georgia
