Understanding the difference between empathy and sympathy can make all the difference for people who are hurting. “I thought I was supposed to be sympathetic,” you may be wondering. “Isn’t being sympathetic enough?”
When you are sympathetic, you are kind. You care and are concerned about the other person. You might even say, “I’m so sorry you are dealing with this difficult situation.” But the bottom line is about your feelings. “I’m so sorry . . . .”
Empathy, on the other hand, creates a deeper connection. When you are empathetic, you sense what it’s like to be in someone’s shoes. You feel what they might feel and imagine what it would be like to be in that predicament.
Let me give you an example. Although the following story happened on a chilly January day in 1989, I still vividly remember the experience. I sat in the examining room, waiting for the results of yet another biopsy. The doctor walked in with his assistant and gave me the verdict. Recurrence of breast cancer.
I was devastated.
When the doctor left the room, Vicki, his assistant, who was my age, looked troubled. I took one glance at her, and burst into tears. “I don’t want to die. My son is only 9 years old. I want to live to see him graduate from high school.”
I cried and cried and repeated, “I just want to live to see my son graduate from high school.”
Vicki, who also had young children, didn’t tell me I would see my son graduate. She didn’t tell me I wouldn’t. She listened, held me tightly and just handed me one tissue after another. I don’t know how long she stayed with me, but I do know that she ached with me. She showed empathy, and that was what I needed.
Whenever I recall that devastating diagnosis, I also remember Vicki’s tenderness and compassion. Her empathy forever softened that moment for me. She made a difference at the time, and also in my memory to this day.
Fifteen years after that event, I was asked to speak at a national conference for oncology caregivers. I called Vicki. I wanted to show the audience a picture of the two of us as I told them this story. When we got together to take photos a few days later, I realized Vicki never truly understood what she had done for me years ago.
“I had no idea,” she repeated several times. “You just never know, you do?”
And that’s the thought I want to leave with you. Never underestimate how healing empathy is. While sympathy is nice, empathy can be life changing.
When you connect with the feelings of another and put yourself in their situation that is empathy. Receiving empathy can make a big difference to the other person. No matter how brief the conversation, true empathy joins your heart to theirs. It’s that connection-that heart to heart connection-that can give them courage and strength to face and overcome sterile needles, difficult news and a broken heart. Your heartfelt connection with them will remind them there is good in this world. That good is Jesus, who is using you to comfort their way.
Which would you rather receive when you are hurting? Sympathy or empathy?
