I’ve managed to get into a lot of “right fights”lately. What’s worse is I’ve reacted in undesirable ways. When my elderly mother broke her arm and she was moved from assisted living to skilled nursing care, her insurance company refused to pay their portion of the higher costs. I appealed. They refused. I appealed again. They agreed to pay. Two weeks later, however, they again stopped their coverage. This decision left us liable for more than $10,000 a month for 5 months.
Within days of learning of that problem, I received a letter from my own insurance company informing me that a medication I have taken daily for more than 5 years was now approved for only 90 days a year. Knowing my doctor had sent a letter verifying the necessity of the medication, I called airing my grievances. I was angry and ready to fight for my rights.
Their response, “I’m sorry but your doctor’s letter was sent four months ago, which was last year. The doctor will need to appeal the decision for this year.”
“Since when do patients and doctors need to be consumed with making all these appeals?” I growled. “My doctor is busy caring for people.”
“Your doctor has the forms and knows the procedure,” the insurance official said.
Turns out my doctor did not have the forms or know the procedure for my insurance company. Many calls and faxes later, we lost the appeal. I was furious. I could feel my blood pressure rising.
At that point, I decided to step back and reflect on how I could manage my emotions better. After all, it was my blood pressure that was getting to a concerning level. The insurance companies weren’t suffering.
I prayed and journaled about the following questions:
- What was really going on that I couldn’t handle my frustrations in a level-headed way?
- Why was being right so important to me?
- Could I be content without any validation of times when I was right?
- Was it all about my pride?
- Was it about fighting for my mother’s rights or my rights?
- Did I feel entitled to be treated according to my expectations?
Here was my conclusion:
While I believe we all have a desire to fight for our rights, speaking with anger and getting snippy with others are not good ways to handle the issues. A soft answer turns away wrath.
I decided that the only way I would know when to fight or when to appeal a decision was to pray and listen for God’s leading. As I journaled, I was reminded that one of my triggers is health insurance companies. They set me off pretty quickly. The root started 27 years ago when they said they would pay for my bone marrow transplant but then reversed their decision after the transplant. I spent 5 years fighting that bill, which was over 100,000 dollars. I did win and the transplant saved my life, but it was areal battle. I know I have much more work to do before I’m able to navigate irritating insurance problems well. I hope I can be a quick learner.
Since we’re all guilty of stubbornly holding onto our point of view even in the face of overwhelming evidence that we’re wrong, here are three tips to remember when you are about to put on your boxing gloves (or when you are ready to get into a “right fight”):
1. Be alert to your triggers.
What sets you off? When does your righteous indignation get out of control? For me it’s insurance companies. When I recently received yet another call about mom’s health insurance coverage, I quickly started prayingJesus, help me. Thankfully I was able to keep my cool.
2. Be humble.
Humility helps us adjust our attitude. Humility tells us we don’t always know what is best for us.
Humbility understands there were plenty of times in the past when we were wrong. The same day I journaled my anger with the insurance company, I accidentally went through a stop sign in a mall parking lot. It wasn’t until someone beeped their horn that I noticed the stop sign I had missed. If the woman who did not have a stop sign would have hit me, she would have been in the right. She, however, graciously slowed down and applied her brakes allowing me to go through, absentminded as I was.
What was one occasion you want to remember when you did not get what you deserved even though you were wrong? Do you give people that same grace?
3. Be surprised by God.
Besides seeking God’s wisdom about when to fight and when to accept, it’s fun to see the different ways God sometimes surprises us. For example, after adjusting to the fact that I would now have to pay for my medication out of my own pocket, two months later, for no apparent reason, I received an insurance company letter stating they would now pay for the entire year. Why they reversed their decision is beyond me, but I gave the glory toGod.
What tip would you give someone to constructively handle a “right fight?”