We often expect forgiveness to be easy or instantaneous. It’s not. The process of forgiveness entails choices we must make again and again.
Perhaps you feel you’ve honestly tried to let go and forgive, but as soon as you see the person you get upset again and all the bitterness returns. You’re not alone.
I understand that it feels discouraging to realize we’re still holding on to pain and resentment. We start to believe we need more faith, or that we simply don’t have what it takes to forgive.
The Process of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a process, not a once-and-done deal. It usually includes lots of little acts of forgiveness along the way. It’s normal to have painful, negative feelings pop up toward those who’ve hurt you—especially when you still have to interact with them regularly.
For example, every time Zach’s ex-wife came to pick up the children and looked at him with a belittling smirk, he felt bitter again about how she had manipulated and deceived him during their marriage. “At those times,” he said, “I have to remind myself that here’s an opportunity to let go of another piece of bitterness.”
When you come face to face with someone who caused you harm, ask God for the strength to do what is right. I love what legendary football coach, Tom Landry said: “Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with the pain.”
Choose to Stay in the Process—Despite Your Feelings
If your goal is to forgive then, like Zack, you may go through some excruciatingly painful moments when you don’t feel like letting go. Despite those feelings choose to stay in the process. Forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a process of making repeated choices.
Forgiving When You Can’t Forget
It would be much easier to forgive, of course, if we could somehow forget what happened. The reality is the process of forgiveness does not include forgetting.
Dr. David Stoop says the act of remembering what occurred protects us from the same thing happening again. We don’t forget what happened. In fact, remembering what happened helps us decide to learn new, protective ways of responding to those who don’t deserve our trust.
Suppose a friend of yours is continually criticizing and demeaning toward you. Do you want to set yourself up for constant abuse by forgetting her pattern of hurtfulness? By remembering what happens when you spend time with her, you can choose to distance yourself and limit future interactions.
In the process of forgiveness, remembering is one thing; to dwell on what happened is something different. Dwelling on an event keeps you stuck in unforgiveness but remembering it protects you from future harm.
As you walk through the process of forgiveness, make repeated choices to release bitterness and protect yourself from a pattern of hurtfulness.
Warmly,
Georgia Shaffer
P.S. Today’s content was adapted from Taking Out Your Emotional Trash. If you’d like to read more, you can purchase your copy of the book here.
Or if you prefer to work with a coach as you work to overcome difficult habits, you can find out more information at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com/coaching/
Scripture:
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37, NIV).
