After a painful divorce, it can feel impossible to find love again. Yet, at a conference a few months ago, I was surprised at the number of women, who had been in an abusive relationship, wanted practical suggestions on how to find a healthy loving relationship.
Many of us let our dating lives evolve on their own. We fail to consider that developing certain qualities may help protect us from poor choices.
I believe one of the main reasons is that we don’t plan on being single for long. We hope to quickly find a loving, long-term relationship, get married, and let our dating life fade into the past.
Another reason is that it means we must admit the truth. We’re still single, one of those the married people say “have issues.” But as my pastor admitted, whether we’re single or married we all have issues. “And if you’re wondering what yours are,” he said, “get married and your spouse will be happy to enlighten you.”
Whether you’ve just begun to date or your dating life is an ugly wreck, there’s hope for you. You don’t have to be an accident waiting to happen. By putting yourself in the driver’s seat you can avoid crashing and burning.
Five Important Qualities to Find Love Again
To maneuver safely through the hazards of dating, work to adopt these five important qualities.
Be willing to learn.
Choose to learn from your mistakes instead of repeating them. Work on gaining tools and strategies that will help you make real changes in your dating life.
The first step is learning to make yourself better. I know, it sounds simplistic, but the truth is that the healthier you are, the less likely you will be to settle for anything less than the best.
Be willing to stay connected.
Our relationships, beginning with our connection with God, provide the environment in which we can grow. Too often we ignore close friendships to focus on that one special relationship—many times with disastrous results.
I encourage you to commit to cultivating a few close relationships. The best and most supportive relationship to cultivate first is with Jesus—who loves you and me unconditionally and faithfully.
Be willing to accept help.
Sometimes the very thing we say will never happen to us does. As a capable, strong-willed woman, Sara had no problems stating what she wanted or needed. She fully believed Tyler would never treat her with the jealousy and rage he showed in the past. As their relationship developed, however, her self-confidence gradually diminished.
Tyler undermined her relationships with her close female friends by finding fault with them. Over time she became isolated, and Tyler became the center of her world.
If you are involved with someone who is physically or emotionally abusive or who is tangled in addiction, seek professional help now. Abuse and addiction are vicious cycles you can’t break alone. Ending a relationship with someone with these problems requires encouragement and support from people who care about you.
Be willing to be yourself.
It is about accepting yourself, focusing on being the best you can be, and making smart choices so you can avoid the destructive behavior of unhealthy relationships. When we are vulnerable, we’re often attracted to those who have been deeply hurt. We want to help them, but, as the saying goes, “Hurting people hurt others.” To find someone who will help you be the best you can be as well as someone whom you encourage as he grows, you need to be real, to show your authentic self—right from the start of your relationship.Then, you can begin the journey to find love again.
Be willing to make one adjustment at a time.
When we commit to something new, we often attempt to transform everything about ourselves overnight. Guaranteed failure! While everyone can use improvement in many areas, we need to be patient with the process. If we change too many things at once, we’ll soon feel overwhelmed and hopeless and begin to believe the negative voice that tells us to give up because nothing will ever really change.
Focus on making one small adjustment at a time. Once you experience success, make the next small adjustment. Slowly, over time, you’ll see real change.
The reality is, dating can be difficult. There’s no shortage of people to avoid out there in the world. We often meet them without even trying. That’s why, as we learn to find love again, these intentional steps—and reaching out for help when we need it—are so crucial to our wellbeing.
This content is an excerpt from the book 12 Smart Choices for Finding the Right Guy. If you’d like to read more, you may purchase the book here.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. (Jeremiah 31:3b, ESV)
Warmly,
Georgia Shaffer
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