Recently I listened to a podcast, then read an unrelated article and the next day heard an instructor warn how our self-limiting mindsets hinder our ability to connect with others.
So how do you begin to identify which thoughts you need to transform, especially since these self-defeating perspectives are often well hidden. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Pay attention to what God wants you to see.
Ask God to show you what’s in your heart and mind so that you can be free of the malicious mindsets that keep you stuck. Whether he uses a sermon or Scripture, a trustworthy friend or counselor, what truth is he revealing to you? For example, Sara was distraught over the betrayal of her husband. She was convinced she was stupid for even trusting him. One of her friends said, “Sara, most of us don’t look for the dark things in others. He chose to live a double life. That does not make you a dumb person.”
- Pay attention, like a third-party observer, to what you’re thinking and saying.
We express our mindsets in different ways, but if we don’t listen for them we won’t recognize or hear them. One married woman who was trying to make an abusive situation better on her own said, “I caught myself saying out loud, ‘If I give 100 percent to my marriage, then my husband will come to appreciate and respect me.’ It hit me, I can give 200 percent but that will not guarantee my husband will stop harming me physically and emotionally.”
- Pay attention to what your loved ones are communicating.
One pastor, whom I will call Chris, said, “It wasn’t until my son asked, ‘Dad, why do we always get the leftovers of your time and energy?’ that I recognized I needed to rethink my perspective on what it meant to be a pastor. I had always held tightly to the view that helping other people is more important than doing something for myself. The problem was I believed doing things for myself included my family. When my son asked the question, I realized this was the mindset I’d held on to for years.”
- Pay attention to your feelings.
The most vicious mindsets deplete you of vital energy—leaving you frustrated, angry, discouraged or depressed. They definitely don’t energize you or bring positive feelings like peace and joy.
After Blair dropped out of a PhD program, she struggled with feelings of failure and she had little energy. Blair said, “One day, as I was chatting and praying with a friend, she helped me re-frame my futile thinking from ‘I failed a PhD program’ to ‘I completed post-graduate work.’ That new mindset is so empowering for me. And my husband was thrilled because as he said, ‘You have been moping around for a couple of years about that.’”
In the next newsletter, I will share specific ways you can rewrite and replace your limiting mindsets with more helpful ones. In the meantime, challenge yourself to take time to pray and become aware of harmful thoughts that are keeping you stuck.
