Recently I was waiting in a checkout line and overheard the two women in front of me. They were talking about a mutual acquaintance. One said, “I agree. She is always so down on herself. She is such a lovely, supportive friend. I wish she could see herself as we see her—genuine and caring.” Sometimes, like the woman they were discussing, growing in self-awareness means acknowledging our gifts. Then we must practice, appreciating, and being willing to share the strengths and gifts we possess. Seeing ourselves accurately, however, also includes recognizing and accepting our flaws.
Because a lack in this area causes us to relate with others in all kinds of painful or unhealthy ways, growing in self-awareness is crucial. Our self-awareness impacts every aspect of our lives from relationships to how we perform our jobs.
We think we can see what others fail to notice, yet at the same time, we fail to pay attention to our own blindness. As Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). As social psychologists and authors, Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson share great wisdom. They explain that we are “as unaware of our blind spots as fish are unaware of the water they swim in.”
Macy’s Example of Growing in Self-Awareness
One of my coaching clients, Macy, struggled with what she described as “an ugly part of myself.” As president of a consulting company, she once lost a quarter-of-a-million-dollar contract she was sure she would get. She discovered that she was not merely disappointed but devastated at the loss of potential income.
Macy prayerfully took time to reflect on what happened and her over-the-top reaction to it. During our coaching session, she said, “I did not want to share with you the unflattering way I handled this whole situation. But I knew if I was to grow, I had to be honest with God, myself, and you.”
Macy realized she had been overconfident and made a few mistakes and misjudgments along the way. “What bothers me the most, though, is I didn’t realize how focused I was on the money. Rather than caring for my client’s needs, I kept thinking about how landing this large contract would get me out of debt. It was all about me and the money. That’s not how I built my business. My customers were a priority,” she said. “I can’t believe how quickly I abandoned my values and made an idol out of money.”
Macy was quite down about herself and came close to landing in the pit of despair and self-loathing. Troubling thoughts threatened to consume her. Thoughts like, “You’re a fake. You really don’t care about people. It’s all about you.” Instead of pushing away the pain of seeing her uncaring behavior, she admitted her poor choices, recognized the condemning voice of Satan, and sought to refocus on God and others. One of the main hazards of seeing ourselves accurately is getting stuck in our guilt, pain, and shame.
Exposing Rather Than Hiding Flaws
What I especially appreciate about the way Macy handled herself is how she willingly exposed, rather than hid, her flaws. She didn’t discount them and say, “Well, I’m not so bad. We all get lured away from what’s most important.”
Macy didn’t let it slide until there was a huge crisis. She used the experience as an opportunity to gain insight into who she was and to recognize humbly how easily she could get her focus off others and onto her own selfish desires. After she confessed and accepted God’s grace, she asked me to hold her accountable for seeing herself as the flawed human being she is.
In coaching, I find my clients want to gain an accurate assessment of themselves. They want to understand how they may unintentionally be sabotaging their relationships at home or at work. They don’t want to be self-deceived, nor do they want to miss the grace of God.
Gaining the Skills to Grow In Self-Awareness
The problem is that often, they haven’t learned the skills needed to gain a more objective view of themselves. Because self-awareness is such an essential element in all our relationships, we must learn to:
- discover clarity about what we do well and how we can help others
- develop an awareness of our flaws and hidden motives
- become willing to spend the time needed for self-reflection
- recognize emotional triggers
- remain open to learning from our mistakes
When we realize we’ve been absorbed in our own needs and desires, we can take the guilt we experience and go boldly to God’s throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16).
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16 ESV).
Warmly,
Georgia Shaffer
