Are you struggling with how to practice forgiveness? You’re not alone, but you CAN learn healthy forgiveness habits! Here’s how…
One woman, who had been divorced for a couple of years told me, “It took a lot longer than I thought, but I’m finally free of the bitterness and resentment I had about the lies and deceit of my ex-husband. But, I was surprised how deflated I felt when I was no longer driven by anger.” Then she added, “Some of my co-workers, who don’t share my Christian values, made comments like, “You should have made him miserable for what he did to you.”
Just like this beautiful woman, if you have decided to forgive or let go of a long-term hurt or bitterness, you may experience an unanticipated letdown or strange emptiness. “Now what?” you may wonder. In addition, you may also find some people are angry with you because you did not seek revenge. While others may not always understand why you chose the path you did, you know that it’s important to choose to cultivate the healthy habit of forgiveness.
Divorce recovery and support through our ReBUILD program has been incredibly helpful for so many woman in just these circumstances. If you’d like to hear what other ReBUILD alumnae have to say about the program, head over to my website!
Perceived Benefits
When you forgive you make the choice to let go of what was done to you and to work through your hurts, sadness, guilt or shame. You give up your right to seek revenge or get even with someone. But, sometimes we don’t want to forgive because our anger makes us feel powerful. We feel as if we are in control.
Actual Benefits
Dr. Clark Gerhart, surgeon and author of Say Goodbye To Stubborn Sin: A surgeon explains the physiological factors that trigger it, says that our anger excites an internal reward system, and that is why anger can make us feel good. In contrast, when we let go of those strong feelings, we often experience this let-down feeling that we didn’t anticipate.
But in spite of that fact, remember the actual benefits of forgiving are greater than the perceived ones. When we choose to forgive, many aspects of our lives improve, including…
- Physically: When we forgive and let go of grudges, we cut our risk of stroke in half. Holding onto anger leads to increased headaches, insomnia, fatigue, and depression.
- Relationally: When we forgive, we are better able to cope with other stressors. When we fail to forgive, our resentment slowly poisons all our other relationships.
- Spiritually: When we forgive, we make a way for God to be merciful to us. When we hold grudges, we create division, conflict and turmoil. Plus, the Bible says we open the door for Satan to get a foothold in other areas of our lives (Eph. 4:26-27).
Forgiving doesn’t mean we are saying that what happened was okay or that we forget the offense or excuse someone’s poor behavior. It does mean that we give up our desire for revenge and we are willing to do the emotional work to heal on a deeper level.
How to Practice Healthy Forgiveness Habits
As you work through your bitterness or resentment, it’s normal to have times of discouragement. In the midst of cleaning out the junk, things get miserable. You will have times when you wonder, “Will I ever be free of this burden?”
If your goal is to forgive and be healed of your bitterness, then understand you will have to go through some very difficult moments. But, remembering the following tips will help minimize the obstacles to forgiveness:
- Remember what God has done for you.
- Express to God and yourself how you have been hurt or violated.
- Tell God that you are giving the hurt to Him.
- Realize it’s not necessary to forget in order to forgive.
- Understand setbacks are normal.
- Remember that God has the power to make all things new – including your hurt and brokenness.
- Thank God and celebrate your healing and freedom.
Remember that if you want to have healthy relationships, forgiveness will need to be a constant habit that you cultivate.
Often, it helps to work through our challenges with forgiveness with the support and encouragement of others. If for example, or someone you know, is struggling with a deep hurt or difficult loss after divorce, our ReBUILD group coaching program may be just the uplifting environment you need to thrive in your new season of life. Click here to learn more about ReBUILD and join the waitlist for our next group!
If you’d rather walk through your journey to forgiveness with more individualized support, please schedule a complimentary discovery call with me. We can talk through your unique situation and see if 1-on-1 coaching is the right fit for you.
What aspects of practicing forgiveness do you find yourself struggling with? Is there someone you need to forgive today? If so, my team and I would love to pray you through it. Please hit reply and let us know how we can be praying for you.
Warmly,
Georgia
P.S. – Truly, you do not have to walk this road alone. If you’re struggling with how to practice forgiveness, please reach out. We’re here for you!
To schedule a 1-on-1 discovery call, click here.
If you’re interested in our ReBUILD group coaching program, click here.
