Are you great at giving grace to others, but struggle to show self-compassion? Let’s talk about how we can extend ourselves grace…
As women, we are usually pretty good at showing compassion to others. When our best friend is grieving a loss and hurls angry words at us, we can understand that it’s not personal and give her grace. When our kids lash out and misbehave because they’re tired or hungry, we take a deep breath and extend grace because we can see how they’re struggling.
But, what about giving grace to yourself?
Most of us aren’t great at self-compassion – giving ourselves grace when we’re struggling – even when we’re more than happy to do it for others.
However, research in the area of self-compassion shows that it promotes your health, your relationships, your confidence, and your ability to bounce back after difficult times. For most of us, self-compassion may be the missing link in our personal growth journeys.
So, let’s talk a bit about how you can start showing yourself more self-compassion:
1) Recognize When You’re Stuck in Self-Condemnation.
Remember, you’re not the only one who makes mistakes and does stupid things sometimes. However, by mercilessly beating yourself up, you are putting yourself above Christ who is clear in Romans 8:1 that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
So, why are you so critical of yourself when Christ is not critical of you? And what can you do when you feel stuck in this self-defeating pattern?
The answer is found in Hebrews 4:16:
“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Instead of staying stuck in guilt, admit what you did or said, go boldly to God’s throne of grace, and use the experience to grow.
2) Remember Who Constantly Accuses and Condemns You.
We know from Scripture that God doesn’t condemn those who belong to Him. We know we shouldn’t condemn ourselves, either. So, who is condemning us?
Satan, the father of lies.
Satan’s whole mission is to destroy us in front of our Father and do everything He can to separate us from Him and from each other. He is constantly accusing and condemning us in his efforts to thwart God’s plan for our lives. Let’s work hard to remember that fact!
3) Write Yourself a Letter Filled with Self-Compassion.
This suggestion comes from researchers and authors Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, who have spent the better part of their professional lives studying the art of self-compassion.
Pretend you have a friend who is beating herself up over the same struggle you currently face. If you were to write her an encouraging letter, what would you say? Write down everything you can think of. Put the letter away for a day or two, then take it out and re-address it to yourself. Read through the letter as if a friend had written it to encourage you.
As I mentioned, it’s often easier to extend grace to someone else than it is to show compassion to ourselves, so this exercise helps get us out of our own minds long enough to extend grace for a particular situation.
4) Ask Yourself Questions Rather Than Criticizing.
It’s easy to get stuck in unproductive criticisms like, “what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get anything right?” But, we don’t have to stay there. Instead, change your criticisms to more reflective questions that will help you move forward:
- What did I do right?
- What can I learn from this experience?
- What do I want to happen next time?
- How can I respond differently instead of being so critical of myself?
For more tips on reframing questions, be sure to check out the book Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Marilee Adams.
5) Give Yourself a Hug.
Lastly, I bring you a tip that a friend recently told me about: our bodies do not know who is giving them a hug. Maybe our minds can tell the difference between a hug from a friend and a hug from ourselves, but our bodies don’t appear to care where the hug comes from – a hug is a hug physiologically speaking! My friend swears by the comfort she receives from simply hugging herself.
If hugging yourself seems a bit too silly, try hugging a pillow. Pressing a soft pillow against your front can feel almost as soothing as a real hug. In these COVID-19 times, when many of us are already starved for meaningful touch, we need all the help we can get!
Are You Ready to Show Some Self-Compassion?
So, the next time you realize you’re beating yourself up about something, give yourself a break, treat yourself with kindness, and use it as an opportunity to grow.
What other tips would you offer for showing yourself more compassion? I’d love to hear if any of these tips are helpful for you!
Warmly,
Georgia
P.S. – If you’re struggling to give yourself grace in the face of separation or divorce, be sure to watch my recent Facebook LIVE video on this topic. The group coaching program I mention in this video, ReBUILD after Divorce, is currently closed, but I’m always happy to talk with you about doing 1-on-1 coaching to help you ReBUILD your life after divorce. Feel free to schedule a time to chat here to see if private coaching would be a good fit for you.
