Have you ever cleaned your house before guests arrive and thrown junk in the back of a closet? Few of us would show our guests the dirtiest or most disorganized place in our homes. We in a habit of closing the doors, making excuses, and avoiding those places.
It’s often the same thing with our behaviors. We tidy them up and hide imperfections to maintain a good image. Today I’ll share some of the ways we do that.
My friend Gayle came to realize her tendency to excuse her behavior through a heated debate with a college roommate who said, “You’re always making excuses for yourself!” More than 50 years later Gayle still frequently analyzes whether she’s making excuses.
More than once in the past when I was late for an appointment, I tried to make myself look better by saying something like, “I hit every red light on the way to the restaurant.” Making an excuse was easier than admitting I left home too late.
It can be difficult to break the habit and accept responsibility for poor choices. And the people closest to us are usually not deceived. They know the truth. We are only deceiving ourselves.
Shifting the Blame
Another way we attempt to make ourselves look better is to shift the blame on to someone else. We behave like kids on the playground when a teacher tries to break up a fight. As kids we might’ve said, “Hey it’s not my fault, he said my brother was stupid.” As adults we might think, “It wasn’t my fault I got so angry. I wouldn’t have broken those dishes if he hadn’t said that. What was I supposed to do? Sit there and take it?”
I find that shifting the blame is something we do quickly. Accepting responsibility for the choices we make usually takes a bit more time and effort.
Overcompensating
To hide our flaws, we exhaust ourselves trying to earn the approval of God or others by doing good deeds. Because I made some poor choices years ago, when I first became a Christian, I exhausted myself trying to please God and those around me. I still have moments when I try to hide my flaws by overcompensating and trying to be some super Christian. The problem is no matter how many good things I do, it’s never good enough. No matter how well liked I might be, I know the truth. My real motivation comes out of a prideful heart and a selfish ambition rather than a desire to help others.
Maybe you overcompensate and create a more favorable perception of yourself by attempting to rescue others. You work hard to fill your every need or comfort every pain. Or perhaps you give generously but instead of doing it out of love or from a direction from God, you want to look kind or generous. Or maybe you believe those kind works will erase any past mistakes.
Unfortunately, no matter how well liked and respected we are, we know that underneath our shiny veneer our real motivation is pride.
One question we can ask ourselves is, “Am I helping others out of a great sense of need and direction from God or from a great sense of self?”
Playing the victim
When we play the victim, we heap insults on ourselves to make others pity us or say reassuring things to bolster our self-esteem. One tip off that you are playing the victim is if you notice yourself speaking in unqualified, broad generalities. You might say something like this: “Well it’s always my fault. No one cares about me. I’m always the one that causes all the problems around here. I never do anything right.”
Becoming Aware that We’re Making Excuses is Key
When we fail to see ourselves objectively, we continue to live in denial and remain blind to the negative impact we have on others.
On the other hand, when we recognize the different excuses we make and all the ways we attempt to look good, we are then able to form new habits and strengthen our closest relationships.
Warmly,
Georgia Shaffer
P.S. Today’s content was adapted from Avoiding the 12 Relationship Mistakes Women Make.
If you would like to have the support and encouragement of a coach as you work to overcome difficult habits, you can find out more information at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com/coaching/
“But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, ‘God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’” James 4:6 (ESV).
