The holidays can be a lonely season when we wish we could have someone alongside us for social gatherings. This dread of loneliness can fuel our fear, limiting our ability to make wise dating choices in the new year. Today I’ll share some responses that can help in overcoming fear when dating.
Several years ago, I continued dating Mr.-Maybe-I-Can-Make-It-Work because I was afraid I’d find no one better. I comforted myself with the thought that at least I had someone. Deep in my heart, I knew this man wasn’t the best choice for me.
However, when I finally admitted this fear had a grip on me, turned to the Lord for help, and broke off the relationship, I strengthened my ties with God and my closest friends. I controlled my fear instead of letting it control me.
One reasons we’re attracted to the wrong people is we’re unaware we’re consumed by fear. This fear often feeds desperation or an attitude of failure. But when we expose and deal with our relational fears about the future, we will be free of their crippling effects.
How do you know if your fears are influencing your relationship choices? Let’s look at a few of the ways fear adversely affects us.
Fear response #1: Changing who you are to be loved by another person.
As one woman said, “I’m afraid I’ll never find someone to love me, so I’m willing to be someone I’m not. I lower my moral standards and turn away from God’s commandments.” Her fears feed feelings of neediness and despair that will lead to problems and pain.
Terrified that she’ll never find someone to love her, she believes she needs to abandon her God-created self to find someone special.
Fear response #2: Tolerating abuse because it’s better than being alone.
Danya and I first met at a singles conference where I spoke. My heart ached as I witnessed this beautiful, sweet woman agonize over whether to end an extremely toxic relationship.
Several times she said, “I know he’s not good for me. But he can be nice at times—really nice. I mean he’s so smart.” Then she looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. “I guess I’m afraid of being alone.”
Fear can cloud sound judgment, which is why it’s important to work toward overcoming fear when dating. Most of us realize it’s a good thing to cut ties with a significant other who is damaging to our health and emotional well-being. However, we don’t think rationally when we’re consumed with fear.
Fear response #3: Not going out with someone because he might reject you.
Stephanie has been divorced for 13 years. She told me, “I’m so afraid of being hurt again I say no every time someone asks me out.”
Stephanie wants to meet someone special, but the thought of being rejected again creates anguish. She’s right. Being ignored or rejected is horrible. If she takes the risk and he doesn’t ask her out again, she may be disappointed or hurt. But being open and vulnerable to heartbreak is far better than being imprisoned by anxiety. Besides, there is always the possibility of things going well!
Overcoming Fear When Dating
Our goal is not to eliminate all fear because not all anxious feelings are bad. We want to eliminate fear in dating when it is a limiting factor. It’s in our best interest to fear reaching into a hornet’s nest. It’s good we’re cautious about giving our addresses to people we just met. These fears motivate us to do what is necessary to protect our health and lives.
We need to counter or eliminate the fears that either send us into the arms of unhealthy people and keep us there or drive us away from what we want. We begin this process by identifying what may fuel our behavior. I’ve found admitting to God what I’m most afraid of opens my mind to his wisdom and gives me a deeper understanding of what I can do to minimize the effects of fear.
God’s peace and strength help us deal with our anxieties rather than allowing them to control us. When we identify our fears and prayerfully let them go, we discover we are no longer “needy singles” driven by anxiety and making bad choices. Instead, we trust God, whether or not we are dating, as we look toward the future with anticipation and hope.
Warmly,
Georgia Shaffer
P.S. Today’s content was adapted from 12 Smart Choices for Finding the Right Guy. If you’d like to read more, you can purchase your copy of the book here. https://georgiashaffer.com/shop/books/12-smart-choices-for-finding-the-right-guy/
Or if you prefer to work with a coach as you work to overcome difficult habits, you can find out more information at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com/coaching/
Scripture:
So we can confidently say,
“The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear;
what can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:6 (ESV)
