Healthy people attract healthy people. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. This is a hard thought since we’re all broken and damaged in some way. That’s because life on earth isn’t perfect. But when we seek Christ’s healing power and receive help from safe, caring people, we can recover from emotional trauma and our lives are transformed. It doesn’t mean we’ll become perfect. We’ll always have areas in which we can grow.

Most of Us Feel Damaged in Some Way

“I was abused as a child,” my friend’s son Carter told her. At the age of 26, he was in his own apartment and successfully employed as a therapist.

“What do you mean abused?” His mother was shocked by Carter’s outrageous statement. “We never mistreated you!”

“My home life was too easy,” he said. “You and Dad gave me such a great childhood that I was buffered from any real problems. I never had to overcome anything so I would develop skills like resiliency—that’s white-collar abuse, Mom.”

This may be an extreme example, but apparently, most of us feel damaged in some way no matter our family background. One study of married couples in California found that 75 percent of the participants reported having had very difficult childhoods. Although this survey focused on those who were married, most singles can probably identify with the feeling that our parents could have been more protective, less smothering, or more involved in our lives.

The issue I want us to think about isn’t whether or not we come from a perfect, loving, and supportive family or one that mistreated or ignored us. It’s more about learning to recover from emotional trauma. We do that by being aware of the patterns and defining messages we learned in childhood that impact our relationships today. Looking at our issues is not so we can feel like victims or blame and shame our families. Rather, our goal is to discover how our histories influence our thoughts, feelings, and the choices we make today.

Recover From Emotional Trauma to Unblock Intimacy

Instead of allowing our pasts, good or bad, to handicap us, we want to identify and work to minimize any patterns or intimacy blockers that hinder our ability to connect with others. All intimacy blockers are behaviors, patterns, or habits that inhibit our capacity to give or receive love. Asking yourself the following three questions will help you uncover some of the issues that may be blocking your capacity for intimacy.

• What was it like growing up in my family?
• Are there bad habits, beliefs, and messages have I internalized?
• How does a healthy life look for me today?

As I asked myself these questions, I learned that I had to acknowledge the pain I was carrying inside and the messages that were driving me. Then I had to ask the Lord to guide me toward healing and truth.

I also learned that even the most healthy, loving relationship brings some hurt and pain, but it’s a “good” kind of pain—like iron sharpening iron—something that causes positive change. If I don’t get scared and run from that type of pain, I will grow.

The good news is there is hope. Today I’m much quicker to recognize my fear and deal with any pain because I’ve learned that facing it makes me stronger. I have a much clearer picture of what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like.

Recover from Emotional Trauma When the Past Still Resonates

I encourage you to go through the three questions and think not only about what you learned or the habits you formed while growing up, but also those experiences outside the family that profoundly impacted you and continue to resonate in your heart today.

Yes, it can be hard work to overcome our less-than-stellar family backgrounds, but the benefits are worth the effort. I’ve found that when we heal from old wounds, our relationships become much richer and more intimate. And isn’t that what we all want?

Warmly,

Georgia Shaffer

P.S.  Today’s content was adapted from 12 Smart Choices for Finding the Right Guy. If you’d like to read more, you can purchase your copy of the book here.

Or if you prefer to work with a coach as you work to overcome difficult habits, you can find out more information here.

Scripture:

“As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV).

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