Several years ago, I discovered my fiancé had been having a secret relationship with a married woman for more than a year. That shame of betrayal rocked my world even more than my divorce had. Afterall, I had written several books on How NOT to Date a Loser and 12 Smart Choices to Finding the Right Guy. Now I was left wondering how I missed what was really happening?  (You can hear more about my story in this video interview I did with Leslie Vernick a few weeks ago.)

It just goes to show that we are all vulnerable to betrayal. It is an equal-opportunity heartbreak. Maybe the betrayal you experienced was rooted in a romantic relationship like mine. Or maybe yours was a good friend who betrayed your trust. However your unique situation played out, the feelings of heartbreak and shame are nearly universal.

So, how do you finally heal from betrayal and begin to move forward with your life again? Here are two tips to get you started:

1) Gather a Supportive Team to Help You Heal

You cannot and do not want to face this experience alone. When you are blinded by betrayal, you are confused, disoriented, and often have a distorted view of yourself and the situation. It is very difficult to see things clearly.

Years ago, when they were preparing to restore the Washington Monument, they first constructed this intricate scaffolding the whole way around the monument. If you google the restoration of the Washington Monument, you will see pictures of the structure they built in order to begin the actual restoration. In the same way, in order to restore your life and heal from the shame and betrayal, you first need to gather a strong support team as you begin the task of rebuilding your life.

Here are the 4 types of people I had on my healing team:

• Christian counselor at first, later a coach
• Four wise, truth-telling friends
• The body of Christ – my church family and pastors
• A healthy group of women who were struggling to rebuild or had successfully dealt with shame and betrayal.

Now, you don’t have to have all four types of people on your healing team, but the more you have the better. You do want, if possible, more than one person. You want people who are wise and safe, people who won’t add to your shame but will gently challenge your distorted thinking.

2) Recognize the thoughts and questions that will keep you trapped in the shame of betrayal

After we’ve been betrayed, we often become preoccupied with finding answers to questions that keep us spinning. We go over and over again in our minds what happened, and we ask ourselves:

• Why did my ex/friend/etc. do this?
• Why did God allow this to happen?
• What did I do to cause this to happen?

The truth is we may never know why the betrayal happened or what caused it. As long as you are focusing on getting answers or figuring out someone else’s motivations, you will continue to stay stuck instead of healing from the betrayal and moving forward. The truth-tellers on your support team will gently remind you of this reality.

So, take a moment to identify the questions that are holding you hostage. What details do you need to let go of? When you run up against one of those entrapping questions, answer yourself with “I may never know, and I don’t need to know in order to heal. I can heal from betrayal without having all the answers.”

What questions are keeping you stuck in the betrayal you’ve faced and preventing you from healing? Who on your support team can you talk with about your questions? Who will speak truth into your situation and remind you of your deeper desire for forward progress?

I’m praying for you

I will be praying for you as you gather your support team and begin to wrestle with not having to find answers to your questions. I know it’s a challenge, and that’s why I’m here – to support you in any way I can. I’m just an email away.

Warmly,

Georgia

P.S. – If you’re in the process of healing from your own shame and betrayal, and you’re ready to move on to pursuing a newfound sense of purpose in this new season, I’d love to join your support team. Let’s schedule a time to chat and see if 1-on-1 coaching is the right next step for you!

“I call upon God, and the Lord will deliver me. Morning, noon, and night, I mulled over these things and cried out in my distress, and he heard my voice.”

Upcoming Speaking Event May 13 to 16 in North Carolina:

Are you overwhelmed with the losses you've experienced?

Learn how to heal from those painful and unwanted changes in our free email devotional series, "Losing It... And Gaining More!"

Send me the devotionals!

You're in! Please check your email inbox for your first devotional. (If you don't see it in a few minutes, it may have landed in your junk folder. Just drag that email back to your main inbox to make sure you don't miss the next ones!)