We all have hopes and dreams. While we wish they each could be fulfilled, the reality is some desires need to be let go. We must learn to discern want vs need.
Problems can arise when legitimate desires become distorted by wrong thinking. When we begin to confuse our wishes and dreams with true needs, they become demands that can damage our relationships and steal our joy.
When Desires Become Demands
When a hope or dream becomes so deeply rooted in our heart that we feel we deserve it and shouldn’t have to go another day without it, perhaps it has become a demand. We can become so tangled up with unfulfilled wishes, they set us up for disappointment, anger, and despair—and have the power to harm our relationships.
We don’t want our desires to become a wedge that causes separation in our connection with God or the people that are important to us.
Consider Beth’s story. She longed for a larger home with plenty of land to raise horses. Two children later, however, she and her husband struggled to keep up with their current mortgage, bills, and home repairs. A larger property seemed out of the question.
But Beth clung to her dream, convincing herself that a new property was essential. She confused her desire with need and began to unrealistically expect that her husband could find a way to provide it.
As it became apparent that Beth’s husband wasn’t going to fulfill her expectations, Beth became critical and demanding. She told him repeatedly, “I homeschool, take care of the house, and work part-time. You need to get a better job, or we’ll never get a larger place!”
Months passed and in Beth’s eyes, her husband had failed. She became angry and verbally attacked him, comparing him with the husbands of her friends. “Sonya’s husband has a great paying job and provides lots of things for their family, but on your salary, we can barely scrape by. When will you make something of your life and provide for us?”
What We Can Learn about Want vs Need
Beth’s story can help us see what happens when we refuse to reexamine and let go of some of our unachieved desires. The root of Beth’s problem is common for us all, and is outlined in the Bible in James 4:1-2 (ESV) which says, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder and covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”
Many relational problems are caused by a refusal to reevaluate what we want vs need and see how our demands affect those we love.
Letting Go of Distorted Desires: Discerning Want vs Need
If we are willing to take three simple steps, we can break the negative cycle of confusing want vs need that entangles us.
- Recognize when we believe we need something that was previously just a want
- Grieve the loss and let go of what can’t or might never be
- Consider new positive and healthy desires and ways we can fulfill them
Dreams, hopes, and desires are a normal, healthy part of life. But they can become destructive when we believe that we need their fulfillment to feel satisfied and happy. By carefully examining our hearts, we can find freedom from despair and protect our relationships with those we love.
Warmly,
Georgia
P.S. Today’s content was adapted from Taking Out Your Emotional Trash: Face Your Feelings and Build Healthy Relationships. If you’d like to read more, you can purchase your copy of the book here.
“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder and covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”
