Contrary to our deep desire, forgiveness is not a one-and-done deal. Forgiveness is a process. Here’s what it looks like…
Last week, we talked about the big benefits of forgiving those who have hurt us – even when it’s hard. This week, let’s take it one step further: how do we handle it when forgiven doesn’t equal forgotten?
One concern my clients often express is, “I’ve honestly tried to let go and forgive, but as soon as I see the person, I get upset again and all the bitterness returns. Does this mean I haven’t forgiven them?”
While we often expect forgiveness to be easy or instantaneous, the truth is it can be a real struggle at times. It can be discouraging when we realize we’re still holding onto something we thought we had given up already. We can start to believe we don’t have what it takes to truly forgive or that our faith isn’t strong enough.
Does this situation sound familiar? We all struggle with forgiveness, but we don’t have to struggle alone. Whether you have a good friend, a coach, a counselor or a support group it will help you walk through this process if you have someone to listen and encourage you along the way.
What we have to remember in moments like these is that forgiveness is not simply a choice we make; forgiveness is a process we move through. Instead of a once-and-done deal, it usually includes lots of little “forgivenesses” along the way. It’s normal to have negative feelings pop up toward those who’ve hurt us – especially when we still have to interact with them.
For example, every time Sue’s ex-husband came to pick up the kids and looked at her with that belittling smirk he had perfected, she felt bitter all over again about how he had manipulated and deceived her over the course of their marriage. “At those times,” she said, “I have to remind myself that this is an opportunity to let go of another piece of bitterness.”
Letting go of one piece of bitterness at a time, taking another step in your forgiveness journey may be difficult, but it’s an important part of the process.
When you come face-to-face with someone who caused you harm, ask God for the strength to do what is right. I love what legendary football coach Tom Landry said: “Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with the pain.”
There is a reason that Jesus commands us to forgive others seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:21-22). I think He knew we would struggle to forgive once and be done with it. He knew some people would continue to hurt us, and that forgiveness is a process that is more for us than it is for them.
If your goal is to forgive, then you may go through some excruciatingly painful moments when you don’t feel like letting go of your desire for revenge. Despite those feelings, choose to stay in the process and remember: forgiveness is NOT a feeling.
What “little forgivenesses” are you struggling with? Which “pieces of bitterness” do you need to release today? Please hit reply and share with us what you’re dealing with, so my team and I can be praying for you!
Warmly,
Georgia
P.S. – Don’t forget: Walking through this forgiveness process is often easiest with support! If you’d like more information on our ReBUILD after Divorce group coaching program – which is an incredibly supportive and encouraging environment – you can learn more and join our waitlist here.
Or, if you could use more personalized support, schedule a complimentary discovery call with me to see if 1-on-1 coaching is a good fit for you.
