Sometimes our legitimate desires become warped by wrong thinking. Unless we are paying attention, we can get tangled up with our unfulfilled desires, which in turn set us up for disappointment, anger, and despair.
Beth wanted a larger home with plenty of land to raise horses. However, two children later, she and her husband were barely keeping up with the mortgage, bills, and repairs on their current home. Unless her husband took a second job or secured a higher paying position, which meant he’d have no time with the family, a larger property was out of the question.
But Beth clung to her dream. Before long she convinced herself that a new property was essential to the well-being of her family. Confusing desire with need, she began to unrealistically expect that in some way her husband would provide a bigger home and more property for her and their children.
When it became apparent that, short of a miracle, her husband wasn’t going to fulfill her expectations, Beth became critical and demanding. “I homeschool, take care of the house, and work part time,” she told him repeatedly. “You need to do something-like get a better job or we’ll never get a larger place.”
As the months passed and her husband failed to respond and act according to her demands, she became angry and verbally attacked him. “Sonya’s husband has a great paying job and provides lots of things for their family, but on your salary we can barely scrape by. When are you going to step up to the plate and make something of your life?”
Recognize When a Desire Has Become a Demand
Beth’s story illustrates what happens when we refuse to reexamine and let go of some of our unachieved desires. The root of Beth’s problem is a common one for all of us, and it’s outlined in the Bible.”What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.” (James 4:1-2).
It’s important to understand that some of our relational problems are caused by our refusal to reevaluate our desires in light of the people we are dealing with and the circumstances in which we live.
Let Go of Distorted Desires
We can break this negative cycle if we are willing to do the following:
– Recognize when a desire has become something we believe we need.
– Grieve or lament the loss of what can’t be or might never be.
– Embrace the reality of our current situation.
– Consider other positive or healthy ways we can fulfill our desires
There is nothing wrong with having hopes and dreams, but we can’t demand that God or others fulfill them. Unless we deliberately and intentionally let go of any desires we have confused with true needs, we will find it difficult to live with our wants and dreams without damaging our relationships.
Adapted from Taking Out Your Emotional Trash: Face Your Feelings and Build Healthy Relationships.
It is difficult to sort out desires /needs/ dreams. We are “told” to not give up on our dreams of things such as starting a business that we believe God has planted in our being yet is that a “need”? It gets so confusing. I have always had the dream of living in a rural setting and running a school that has the added educational value of animal care yet as a divorced woman who was home for 36 years raising children I now am financially in a difficult situation trying to support myself annually. Help!!! Thank you!
Marianne it is confusing at times. For me I write my dreams, desires and what I think is a need in my journal and pray to our Lord. Then the challenge is to hold those things I list “lightly” vs. holding them with a tight fist and demanding God make them happen. We don’t want to have this attitude of resignation about our future and say “Why bother?” We honestly don’t know what God has for us. But I do not ignore my dreams and desires even though I want God’s will in my life.