“Mom, once you get settled, you’ll just love it,” Jennifer said. “They have all kinds of activities like Bingo. You love bingo. They do crafts, have movies and do one day excursions.”
“I just want to stay in my own home,” her mother stated firmly. Jennifer and I were working hard to help change her mother’s perspective about her upcoming move to assisted living, but she wasn’t buying our pep talk. She knew the truth. She had no other option. For weeks, she had been upset, dreading the move which was now just days away.
“My mother felt the same way as you,” I said, trying to encourage. “It was hard but she adjusted, and she would tell you she is much happier now than when she was sitting at home all by herself.”
But Jennifer’s mother was not interested in any of our positive spins or the fact that she would now be living closer to two of her daughters. She was too caught up in the thought that this move would probably be the last move she would ever make. It was a sign life was coming to an end.
I didn’t sleep well that night thinking about how I will feel when I am no longer able to live by myself. How will I handle it when the losses are piled high, my days of dreams are over, and things on my bucket list will never be achieved? I couldn’t blame Jennifer’s mom for being upset.
As Jennifer and I talked the next day, we decided our peps talks were futile and even unkind. We could not reframe the harsh reality of what her mother was facing. It would be far better for us to give her mother permission to be angry, sad, scared, and full of grief about all she was losing.
A few days later Jennifer texted me. “As soon as I stopped the pep talks and just listened to what she was feeling, her negativity dramatically diminished. It’s amazing. Listening, not lecturing, was the key.”
In the end Jennifer’s mother adjusted to her new home pretty quickly. In fact, she loves it. But for me our conversations were a reminder of how I want to be in the new year. I want to be more of a listener and share my perspectives less. I want to be more compassionate and empathetic, less sympathetic. I want to be less focused on convincing someone of the wisdom of my position and more intent on being with them, loving them and praying with them right where they are.
What about you? What kind of person are you purposing to be in 2019?
